Creamy? Crunchy? Neither!
FACT:
Americans eat over 700M pounds of peanut butter every year.
FACT:
In the U.S., over $800M per year is spent on peanut butter.
FACT:
The average American child eats 1,500 PB&J sandwiches before graduating high school.
FACT:
Americans eat enough peanut butter annually to coat the floor of the Grand Canyon.
FACT:
The Forever Kid has NEVER tasted peanut butter!
Not one of my “Life Lies”. It’s true.
Weird, quirky, un-American? Perhaps.
Allow me to try to explain….
My Mom was an amazing cook, an early “foodie”,
(or whatever that was called in the 1950’s).
She always encouraged us kids to try all kinds new tastes.
She even named all her dishes…
“Melody”, “Triple Delight”, “Sweet ‘n Spicy”, “Sunday Surprise”,
but, for some unknown reason…
she just never served us PEANUT BUTTER!?!
Perhaps she considered it a bit too too “common”?
When I started school,
I happened to live right around the corner from PS 91,
so while the other kids brought in their lunch boxes,
I was allowed to go home for lunch.
My Mom would whip up something for my sister and me
before she left to help my Dad in their floor covering store.
Now, for lunch, it wasn’t one of her “signature specialties”…
usually just some simple sandwich:
Delicatessen - Genoa Salami or Bologna or Virginia Ham or Roast Beef;
Grilled Cheese - Pressed in a steel “ToastTite” ( an amazing non-tech invention);
Something “modest” -Lettuce & Tomato;
Something “fancy” – Veal Parm Hero;
AND we did have CREAM CHEESE & Jelly.
But, alas… no PB & J!
Truth is…
I was never too crazy about peanuts,
(other than the sugar-coated ones on the bottom of a Cracker Jack box.)
Plus the smell of peanut butter got me a bit nauseous.
Finally, I was sure that it I ever did eat it…
my mouth would be stuck together forever.*
After getting through elementary school, junior high and high school,
without ever having one spoonful of that yucky brown stuff pass through my lips...
I realized this was one more thing that added to my ever-present quest
to be different from everybody else.
So I vowed to live my entire life as a PB rejector.!
When I went away to college at Oakland University in Michigan,
I found myself surrounded by a bunch of good Midwesterners,
with good American values…and tastes.
They could not comprehend how I was a PB denier!
They urged, cajoled, tempted, pressured me to try…
but, by now, my resolve was ingrained
One night,
after some alcoholic debauchery,
they decided…this would be the day I would be forced to succumb.
Two guys pinned me down to the ground.
while a third spread that disgusting concoction across my lips.
I would not surrender!
I kept my mouth shut as tight as a mob witness…
and I escaped with my “PB virginity” intact!
Fast forward to adulthood,
(or at least my version of being an adult).
After many failed efforts, I finally landed my dream job…
I was now an advertising copywriter!
I worked on all kinds of accounts…
toys, fashion, beer, cereal, electronics, etc.
One day I was congratulated as I was told I would be head creative
on one of the agency’s biggest accounts
A “moral dilemma”?
Nah…Hey, I also worked on No Nonsense Pantyhose,
and never wore them…
(OK,maybe on the weekends…JUST KIDDING!)
For the next few years,
in the midst of writing ads and commercials for all kinds of brands,
I spent many days and nights creating homages, songs and mini-movies
for America’s # 1 Peanut Butter.
I raptured about “the smooth, creamy taste”…
or “the delightfully crunchy texture”.
I composed and filmed touching stories about
“Choosy Moms” and their adorable/voracious kids.
At that time, JIF had one of the longest-running campaigns in the ad biz:
“Choosy Moms Choose JIF”.
My agency was very proud of that fact and heralded its longevity all the time.
Of course, (never one to leave well enough alone)…
I thought perhaps it was time for a change…
so I created a new campaign to be tested…
“Taste the Jif-ference!”
(I even wrote a cheesy jingle!)
We shot a few spots and it tested pretty well …
but the more traditional “powers that be”,
decided to stay with what had worked for 20 years…
and “Choosy Moms” lived on.
I was, however, able to bring some new “innovations”,
including a rather stylish (for its time) commercial that appealed to “adult tastes”,
It featured a variety of new serving suggestions for the dreaded substance,
shot in a very artsy, MTV-graphic way,
plus it featured a cool jazzy theme,
sung by jazz legend EARTHA KITT!
And to highlight the surprisingly non-fattening content…
we discovered and cast a new (soon-to-be) super-model…
ELLE McPHERSON!
Who looked…WHOA! In her JIF-colored bathing suit!
In an early display of “woke-ism”,
I also convinced them to do a few spots that altered the iconic line just a bit:
Choosy Moms…AND Dads choose JIF.
The client, Proctor & Gamble, was very happy with our work…
and to show their appreciation,
they planned a celebratory dinner for us,
where everything was made using…
PEANUT BUTTER!?!
Peanut Butter Satay Chicken, Thai Peanut Butter Sesame Noodles,
Peanut Butter Chicken Pasta, Peanut Butter Nachos,
Peanut Butter Cookies, Peanut Butter “Elvis” Pies, PB&J Smoothies,
While the others feasted…
I ate some plain Ritz Crackers.
Years later, P&G sold JIF Peanut Butter to Smucker’s.
A perfect match JIF & Smucker’s Jelly!
And, wouldn’t you know it…
my team and I pitched and won the Smucker’s account!
And I was back working on Peanut Butter!?!
I also had the opportunity to work with Mars candy company.
I worked on Dove, Milky Way and Twix…
Which was introducing a new product…
PEANUT BUTTER TWIX!!
Today, I remain steadfast, committed, pure.
Never once tasting Peanut Butter.
While PB is one of my wife’s very favorite indulgences
(I can always smell when she’s been indulging)…
my two loyal and discriminating kids have also never tasted “the poison”.
*NOTE: If like me, you are among the few Americans who don't understand
the nation's love affair with the dreaded spread, then you might be suffering from…
Enjoy…if you must.
Would love to hear your thoughts (pro or con) on Peanut Butter.
