My Life on The Stage
By now, many of you probably know quite a bit about me…
The Forever Kid.
You’ve read about my inordinately happy childhood in the Bronx.
You’ve learned how much I love my rather quirky family…
that I’m an ex-Ad guy, an obsessed Yankees, fan, a movie buff.
I’ve even shared some of my more humiliating moments with you.
But what you may not know about is my extraordinary life in the theater!
That’s right…
I have actually performed in what many may now call “iconic”
classic dramas, comedies and musicals.
And while you may have read the many gushing reviews of my performances from critics around the world…
now I will share the story behind my formidable talent,
and rise to global fame.
A Child Star
My fabled on-stage career began at the tender age of 5 years old.
I made my debut at the legendary Shady Nook Resort nestled in the
heart of the world-famous hotbed of talent, the Catskill Mountains.
I was brought there one summer by my Grandpa Abe and Grandma Rose.
They rescued me from the sweltering asphalt jungle of the Bronx and introduced me to the fresh, clean air and wondrous opportunities of this idyllic, glorious green paradise.
One of those opportunities was the chance for budding, undiscovered talent to appear on stage before an audience of enthusiastic resort guests at the Guest Talent Show.
Encouraged by the urging of my 8 year-old sister Ellen,
I decided it was time…
to expose the world to my heretofore suppressed talent
After some off-key singing by some middle-aged Judy Garland wannabes, some comedy stylings by Irving the dentist
and a Mambo demonstration by the somewhat overweight Sadie & Sam…
It was time for some real talent.
Without any sign of stage fright at all…
I boldly, eagerly, confidently entered stage left.
Dressed in my “good party pants” and a rather snazzy gold blazer
and bowtie…
I stood alone in the middle of the imposing stage.
the spotlight hit me,
and as the breathless-with-anticipation crowd awaited.
I began….
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
To fetch a pail of beer.
Jack fell down and broke his crown.
And Jill cried…
“OY VEIS MEIR!”
The thunderous ovation and uproarious laughter
from the dazzled, delerious audience,
echoed through the Catskill Mountains…
and a star was born.
As the word of my prodigious talent
quickly spread from the Catskills back to The Bronx,
(Just a few subways stops from Broadway),
I was immediately cast in several soon-to-be-smash-hit shows.
If you were among those extremely fortunate ones,
who were in the audience for the PS 91 production
of the classic Christmas show…
Santa’s Worskshop…
I am certain you will never forget my multi-layered performance
as the impish, mysterious, mischeivious but loveable
Jack Frost!
In my stunning, frosty-white, satin costume,
I delivered merely one line…
but it remains one line that shall never be forgotten.
“Here I am Santa”.
It is a line that is still oft-repeated by my now grown children,
whenever they surprisingly appear to visit.
This Jack Frost tour-de-force, that touched so many lives…
led to my being cast in a number of other dramatic roles in off-Broadway (PS 91, Creston Jr. High, Bronx H.S. of Science)
productions…
Competing against hordes of other hopefuls,
I was selected to play Aladdin,
in a revue of famous book characters.
Not actually me….
While, not a speaking role,
in my authentic Arabian costume, (made by my Mom),
my graceful, regal movement,
and subtle, but nuanced facial expressions,
communicated the mysteries of the Orient,
to thrilled audiences.
Then as my talent further blossomed and matured,
and I moved on to 7th grade,
I was chosen to play the dramatic and tragic lead role in
The Life of Evereste Galois.
While I’m sure many of you are intimately familiar with the brilliant mathematician,
few of you were ever as moved to tears by his story,
until I immersed myself in his character.
Who will ever forget the shocking opening scene,
where I laid lifeless on stage after being shot in a duel?
I did struggle a bit with the rest of the speaking parts.
Summer Stock
While these performances were applauded from the
Catskills to The Bronx,
I knew there were others out there who never had the chance,
to glow in the light of my talent…
so I did some “Summer Stock”,
to share with a whole new audience.
That audience was at Camp Colang,
in Lackawaxen. Pennsylvania,
where I spent 10 summers as camper, then a counselor.
I’m sure that any of you readers who are well versed in the theater,
are well aware of the sterling reputation of the Colang theatrical history.
(At least any of you who spent any summers in Lackawaxen).
I began at Colang at age 9,
and from my very first year,
I knew that I wanted to appear in the legendary
Colang Saturday Night Shows.
I realized that early,
once I learned that the shows were co-ed,
and all the rehearsals would take place in the Social Hall…
on the girl’s side of campus…
with THE GIRLS! ;)
With that knowledge in hand,
and my extraordinarily impressive stage skills,
I auditioned (and secured) roles in every Colang performance.
What I did not realize early on…
was that these Saturday Night Shows…
were all MUSICALS!
I was not quite as confident about my singing aptitude,
compared to my awesome dramatic chops,
but…hey…there would be girls there…
AND…
they were musical COMEDIES!
So I jumped right in!
My first week at camp,
I secured the coveted role of
Tackhammer the Toymaker.
As a somewhat terrified (and homesick) 9 year-old,
I somehow managed to belt out…um softly sing… my opening solo.
NOTE: This was not only in front of the entire camp…
but also my parents, who had to come visit their homesick little boy after just one week away at camp..
I remember my Mom and Dad were thrilled and surprised
to see me singing on stage…
but after the show asking me…
“What’s wrong with your arm??
It seems that, being so nervous…
I did the entire show standing stiffly,
holding my left arm with my right hand.
I now realize, that I subconsciously was adding a bit of sympathetic depth to my character as the lonely Tackhammer.
Soon I was cast in every camp show,
All with multiple rehearsals with the girls .
I co-starred, singing and dancing as…
Bobby in the 1920’s musical The Boyfriend;
I landed he lead role of Barnaby in the patriotic Sing Out Sweet Land;
Killed as Rocky in Damn Yankees.
(I really, really wanted to be the Devil!
But they gave it to a guy who could actually sing).
And a highlight…
played, the male lead, Prince Dauntless the Drab in Once Upon A Mattress!
Off-Off-Off Broadway
Back in NYC,
I appeared in the classic revue…
“Famishte Capers of ‘62”,
performed at the spectacular Tremont Temple,
(my synagogue).
NOTE: My Mom, Dad, and sister all appeared in the revue.
(We were like the Jewish Osmonds)
I played a goateed beatnik artist who had one line…
in Yiddish!
(Which I never really understood).
While most of my theatric and musical skills were presented on stage,
as a tween/teen many of my “performances” were done just for friends and family…
including uncanny impressions of JFK, Jerry Lewis, cartoon characters…
and Elvis. (More on that in a moment)
During my 3 years at the Bronx High School of Science,
unlike the overachieving, Ivy League- bound students,
I barely participated in ANY “extra-curricular activities…
but, of course, I did make one memorable performance
in the “Senior Show”.
The show consisted of a number of “SNL-like” sketches.
I was chosen to be the omniscient, “interloculater” ,
(much like another legend, Frank Sinatra, in “Our Town”),
sitting front stage for the entire show, charmingly setting the premise for each sketch.
Rather than channeling “Ol’ Blue Eyes”,
I channeled the persona of a contemporary legend…
Soupy Sales!
Complete with white chinos, black pullover and…bowtie.
I deftly captured every nuance of Soupy’s witty banter, moving facial expressions,
and “sophisticated” wit.
The Maturation of The Artiste
Alas, as I grew older,
like many of us, I had to put my dreams aside.
As much as I hated having to deprive the world of my talent.
I realized it was time to leave my life on the stage behind…
Pretty much…
But remember, I am The Forever Kid!
So my show biz career and prodigious talents had to
find some new outlets.
While most parents and kids,
would be happy to spend the “bedtime story hour”
reading some enchanting kids’ book…
not the Forever Kid…or the Forever Kid’s kids!
Instead there were nightly “live performances”
of original stories, written by and performed by…
The Forever Kid.
These “farcical melodramas” while only having a cast member…me!…
did feature several memorable continuing characters all in their own costumes…
(or, at least, hats)..
One of the kids’ favorite characters…
was their dad’s “evil twin”, Richard!
The wild-eyed Richard would tell the kids how bad their Dad really was.
Of course, my loving, darling kids, would vigorously defend their Dad,
(Perhaps foreshadowing their future behavior).
Meanwhile, Richard would meet various slapstick mishaps
to the kiddie’s raucous delight …
and their Mom’s dismay at my “riling them up “ before bed,
And then, like many other fading stars,
I took my talents to the sea…on a cruise ship.
On one our family voyages,
my daughter Dani excitedly told me that she signed me up
for the American Family Cruise’s famous “Passenger Talent Show”!?
When I tried to back out…
as usual I caved in to my daughter’s pleas…and adorable face..
When I showed up at rehearsals,
I was enthusiastically informed that I would be the show-closing….
ELVIS impersonator!
Uh, NO I won’t!!
I tried arguing that I no longer had the melodious voice of Tackhammer the Toymaker,
but the talent coordinator assured me I would only need to lip-synch.
So…
there I was several hours later,
hair, heavily-gunked up,
with some “extra” sideburns by way of my wife’s eye shadow,
black silk shirt opened almost to my belly button,
holding an inflated plastic guitar.
I was standing there on stage in front of a raging crowd of wild cruisers.
and suddenly…
something truly amazing happened…
my fear and embarrassment disappeared and, as if possessed…
I totally and completely became …
The King!
I went full on!
Not just with his sexy, sneering, curled lip,
and his signature gyrating hips,
but as I sang” Jailhouse Rock…
I dramatically dropped to my knees,
wiped my forehead sweat with a Kleenex.
and tossed it out to the crazed, lust-filled ladies in the crowd,
AND…(I swear)…
THE SOUND OF WILD SWOONING & SCREAMING FILLED THE SHOWROOM!!!)
NOTE: For the rest of the cruise, the passengers all called my wife “Priscilla”.
Back on land,
and back at work to my job in an ad agency,
I was often called upon to make “dramatic”, “entertaining” presentations to my clients.
(Including getting up in front of a thousand Domino’s Pizza franchisees…
and doing a comedy routine…
with new Domino’s spokesperson…
BRONSON PINCHOT!?!
But then there also were those times
when I “performed” for my co-workers.
At our Creative Department’s Awards Show, The GRACE Awards,
I once wrote and recited poetry written about each award winner…
based on Oscar Winning movies…
Another year, I actually joined in with two other “creatives”,
and SANG several parody songs in front of the entire department!?
Today…I can’t believe I ever did that!
For the 25th Anniversary of our company’s Chairman,
I was again asked to write some song parodies… about him…
only this time I was told they must be either Classical or Opera.
Neither of which were hardly my strong suit!
I spent day after day listening to the Classics on my earphones,
then writing “fun” lyrics…
often to compositions that had no words!!
At the end of my immersion into my “Classical period”,
I wound up writing TEN re-booted “classics”…
which were then “debuted” at a black-tie gala attended by the world-wide company execs,
and performed by a dozen actual opera singers in formal attire!
As the “composer”…I hid in the back of the ballroom…
only to come out for a standing ovation.
NOTE: Now whenever I hear some classic or aria…
I am quick to proclaim to those around me…
“I wrote that!”.
And finally,
in what may be my farewell performance…
just a few years ago my daughter Dani decided to take Improv classes.
She was real good…and loved it!
When she told me about her experience and on-stage performances…
I was envious and I figured…
I’ve been “on stage” all my life, so…
”Why not me?”
I signed up for Improv 101 at The Upright Citizens’ Brigade….
fully expecting to become the next SNL superstar.
Not so much.
I was in a class, surrounded by a bunch of 20somethings,
who already had some comedy experience.
I went into a full panic before each of the 8 classes.
Fortunately, I did not puke on any of my “scene partners”…
and somehow I got through it.
The big finish to the end of the eight class “semester”,
was a live, on-stage, real theater performance in front of an audience
of fellow improv students, professionals, friends and family.
Of course, being terrified…I did not invite anyone except my wife.
Before we took the stage, our instructor led our “psych up” exercises,
working us all up to a fever pitch!
He urged us to, when announced, all run out on stage,
dance, jump up and down, engage the audience, have fun!
When the emcee stepped up to the mic, to introduce our team…
I decided…
Hey! If this is my one shot…I was going to go for it!
So unrepressed, I wildly bounced out onto the stage with wild abandon,
dramatically pointing to individuals in the audience,
(a la Jennifer Beals in her Flashdance audition)!
Only…
the emcee wasn’t quite finished with his Intro.
So I was, um… a bit “premature”…
prancing around alone,
as my cast mates stood waiting in the wings.
That was the biggest laugh I got all night.
Lorne Michaels didn’t contact me.
The Finale (?)
So now my “Life On The Stage” may have faced its final curtain.
But…ya never know.
Just…don’t call it a “Comeback”.
Would love to hear about your theatrical backgrounds..
