“The Skollar Limp”
It’s an extremely rare physical condition that I’m guessing most of you never heard of.
That’s because I made it up…
out of necessity.
It began when I was about 12 years old.
I was living in The Bronx, NYC.
Back in the day, it was a great place to grow up…
kids playing after school in the street,
a diverse mix of working-class families, Italian, Irish, Jewish,
lots of big apartment houses, a few old “private” homes,
stores, merchants, friendly people on the street all the time.
But The Bronx was always also known for being “tough”.
There wasn’t a lot of crime…
at least not like today’s Eyewitness News’ nightly barrage of violence.
But there certainly were neighborhood “toughs” and bullies.
I was not one of them.
Actually, I didn’t have much of a choice.
Skinny, wiry, without a mean bone in my boney body.
Not much of a fighter.
Instead, I managed to befriend most I came in contact with.
And luckily these “friends”… were a lot tougher than I was.
It was when I found myself alone,
without my buds,
walking on some of the sketchier blocks of the Bronx,
away from the comfort and protection of my familiar neighborhood…
that the “condition” first reared its head.
My rather flawed logic led me to the theory that:
If a tough kid, no matter how mean, saw an “injured” kid,
their hidden ‘better angels’ might take over,
and let him or her go on their way.
Hmmm…a bit counter-intuitive?
The execution:
When I noticed a suspected meanie headed my way,
I began a perfectly convincing “faux” limp…
soon to become legendary as…
“The Skollar Limp”!
I milked my part pretty well…
theatrically wincing, struggling, pain across my little (phony) face.
Did it work?
Well, over the course of my life,
I’ve never once been mugged or attacked after years of living and working
in rough places like Da Bronx, East Harlem, Detroit…hey, New York City!
(Knock on wood!)
But it is the evolution of “The Skollar Limp” that you may find rather fascinating.
While the actual “limp” was employed countless times over the years,
(still to this very day),
the further definition of “limp” was broadened to stand for…
“Any physical disability, malady or health issue,
affecting any and all external or internal parts of an individual”*
(*The ‘individual being ME…or in more recent times, the Skollar offspring).
To be clear, the “limp” could be…
A terrible (faux) headache or (faux) bellyache or (faux) backache
or (faux) bout of nausea or diarrhea or (faux) really bad cough, cold, flu.
Basically “the limp” could be any condition that could serve to prevent me from:
- Being bullied.
- Being yelled at by my parents.
- Having someone be mad at me.
- Having to complete chores.
- Having to turn in schoolwork on time.
(“Nauseous and headache” became the new “limp”…
sending me home from school many a day).
- Having to present unready work due to my clients (as an adult)
(“Oh Bob, I hope you feel better…we’ll delay the presentation”)
- Having to attend unwanted dinners, parties, dates.
One more interesting aspect of “The Skollar Limp”…
is the curious evidence of the “power of the mind”.
Over the years, I’ve discovered,
that once I determine my selected version of “the limp” to be employed…
somehow, I often begin to actually “feel the symptoms”!?!
e.g. I’d be sent home from school after telling the school nurse I felt “ nauseuous and dizzy”.
When I arrived home…I was, in fact “nauseous and dizzy”?!
There’s a lot more I planned on explaining about how “The Skollar Limp” works…
but, right now, I’m feeling a migraine headache coming on.
Did you have your own version of a “faux limp” (or other fake ailment)?
Let’s hear about it.
